Just over a year ago, while I was visiting a boyfriend out of state for Pride weekend, I discovered that he was lying to me —about, well, just about everything.

So I called him while he was at school (and I was alone in his apartment), broke things off and demanded that he get me an earlier flight back home. Being the intelligent guy that he is, he realized that an angry boyfriend alone in your apartment is not the one to f*ck with.

Mood:

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Needless to say, he agreed to my demands.

{Side note: to all my sketchy people out there, please don’t leave iMessage active on the device you let your boyfriend borrow.}

Within minutes my favorite lesbian & bff, Lin, who lived about 25 minutes from him, drove over to pick me up.

I officially had my first ‘Waiting To Exhale’ moment that day. I felt like that angry black woman as I stood scorned, waiting by the curb with a suitcase in the rain; you have no idea how much Angela Bassett I was serving.

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About an hour later, as Lin and I sat at Chillis sharing queso dip, I changed my relationship status on Facebook to single, re-downloaded Grindr, and posted Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” video on my timeline. That was when Lin had an epiphany:

Lin: Wait! Instead of asking him to pay to change your flight, make him get you a hotel and stay for Pride!

Me: Girl, I dunno, I just want to get out of here.

Lin: You didn’t just travel all this way to miss the pride parade!

Me: You know what…PREACH!

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Before I finished my 2nd weak-ass mojito, my cooperative and apologetic ex had booked me a hotel in the GAYEST part of town—per my request.

Well the night before the pride parade I decided to take myself out for a drink. This is when I worked up the courage to talk to one of the cutest guys I’d seen all night. After some flirty conversation we exchanged numbers. We texted throughout the next day and decided to hang out after the parade.28f54460-d192-0132-bfb4-0a13eebe068d.gif

Now, In my jaded mind, I planned to possibly make out and/or dry hump him and ask him to leave my hotel room immediately afterwards. I’d already set the stage: I ate a light meal before he arrived to avoid needing dinner and put on my “netflix and chill” loungewear. However to my dismay he showed up fully dressed and pleaded for me to go to dinner with him. Reluctantly, I agreed.

This is when shit got weird.

As we walked down the street he kept trying to hold my hand and I kept pulling away and finding arbitrary things to do with my hands, i.e. text, practice sign language, scratch my face, ect. He talked about his desire to find love, his tumultuous prior relationship, and anti-depressants.

When we arrived at the restaurant, before our ice waters had even arrived he says…

 “So I like you…alot.”

Me: (sits awkward and locates all the emergency exits out of the corner of my eye) Oh really? But you just met me.

Date: Yeah but I just feel it. I just know.

Me: That’s sweet but you know that I was in a serious relationship 18 hours ago?

Date: That doesn’t matter.

Me: Oh okay. Also you know I’m going back home tomorrow right?

Date: That doesn’t matter either. I can fly you here whenever you want! We can make this work!

Me:

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After an awkward meal and lots of unreciprocated love-struck gazes, he walked me back to my hotel. After 4 blocks of dodging his hand holding, I ran out of energy and just let it happen. As we walked he told me about his desire to ‘wife me up’. All the while I brainstormed episodes of Law & Order: SVU where similar scenarios led to homicide. Just as we got closer he pushed me against a building and began to kiss me.

NOW, before I continue: the kiss was totally consensual. I mean he was a little crazy but he was also hot and I was in rebound mode. #StellaNeededHerGrooveBack

tumblr_mzhc8re4v11r7i2rko1_2501As we kissed he moved his hand to my throat (which I’m totally into when it happens in the right setting). As his grasp tightened I thought to myself, this could definitely end poorly but YOLO. Just then, while lightly strangling me, he moved his mouth towards my ear and with a smile he whispered:

“You’re mine.”

Me:

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I just remember thinking about how f*cked up my karma must have been to get cheated on AND murdered in the same weekend. As much as I wanted to run I decided to play it cool and NOT end up on the side of a milk carton.

Me: Oh really? Wow, that’s hot but I think I’m ready to go to bed.

He held my hand tightly as we walked to my hotel. I quickly kissed him good night and sent him on his way. Before I was able to take both of the contact lenses out of my eyes, my phone rang.

It was him.

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I wanted to ignore the call but I’ve seen enough Lifetime Original movies to know better.

Me: Hello?

Date: Hey. I miss you already.

Me: Oh.

Date: I’m gonna call you before I go to sleep bye boo.

Me: You really don’t have to—

(Phone hangs up)

Just as he promised, 25 minutes later he called me to say good night and talk about how amazing the night was for him. While he talked I sent out my GPS location, his photograph, & my room number to all of my best friends just in case shit popped off.

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The next day as I hung out with my girlfriends he began to text me again. Since it was my last day in town I only used my phone to take pictures and gave my undivided attention to Lin and her AMAZING girlfriend. After a few hours of day drinking and sight-seeing I looked down at my phone to see a missed call and trail of angry text messages.

Date: Hey boo

Date: ??

Date:….

Date: Really??

Date: So you’re just gonna ignore me?

Date: Oh I see how it is….

It was in this moment that my liquid courage guided me through the pop-off text that ultimately shut down my swim fan—I mean date. I kindly checked his ass and put him in his place in a way that was assertive but not nasty. The last thing I needed was for his loco ass to show up at the bar and have to catch these hands.

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Thankfully, I only received a few more phone calls from him once I got back to my hometown before he reluctantly gave up. I contemplated changing my number but a slow fade to black was more than sufficient.



So was there a lesson to be learned by this “First 48” inspired experience?

Yes!! When someone gives you a flash of their crazy, immediately exit stage left and DON’T THINK WITH YOUR PENIS. Also, never fly across the country for a man you don’t trust.giphy

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Posted by:Anthony Black

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