God fearing folk’ across the nation have been in their feelings for ages about the abbreviated spelling of our country’s most unanimously celebrated holiday, Christmas.

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The argument has been that the shortened version, or “X-mas”, “takes the Christ out of Christmas”. Well, being the petty person that I am, I decided to do some research about how much “Christ” was ever in “Christ-mas” to begin with. After much review, it seems like our country’s entire translation of this holiday is a bit…misguided. While I’ve been guilty of buying into American justifications of Christmas traditions, the older I get, the more silly it all begins to seem.

So, at the risk of making your mom, grandma, and pastor feel sometypaway—which ‘I ain’t sorry’ about btw—

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I’ve listed just a few reasons why Jesus would NEVER want anything to do with our version of Christmas…


1. FIRST OFF, YOU CAN’T JUST DECIDE WHEN SOMEONE ELSE’S BIRTHDAY IS; BECAUSE THAT’S JUST RUDE.

 

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Since Jesus doesn’t have Facebook (which is sad because his live stream would be LIT), there’s no reminder of when his actual birthday is. To be honest, no one has any clue as to when the son of God was born. In fact there are concrete theories dismissing the idea of Jesus being born in the winter. With the cold temperatures of winter, it was very unlikely that sheep would have been kept on frozen hills. The strongest theory behind the selection of December 25th as Christmas is because of the Roman pagan’s winter solstice holiday of Saturnalia, a turnt up, week long period of ratchet lawlessness, merry making & indulgence celebrated between December 17-25, in honor of the diety, Saturn. The final day of Saturnalia, 12/25, was renamed after Christ once Christians began their remixing of the pre-christian, pagan (aka ungodly) celebration. Remind me again, #WhatsChristGotToDoWithIt


2. NEARLY ALL OF THE “CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS” WE OBSERVE ARE LIKE, REALLY, REALLY PAGAN.

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The literal roots of the “Christmas Tree” as we know it trace back long before the advent of Christianity. Some roots extend to the concept of evergreen trees symbolizing eternal life in Eygptian, Chinese, and Hebrew cultures. Other roots extend to the Roman pagan worshipping of trees during their winter solstice celebration. Either way; this all has nothing to do with Jesus or his birthday party.

Christmas presents anyone? Well we can either believe that we give gifts in remembrance of the wisemen who adorned baby Christ with presents or we can look to Sigillaria, the third day of the pre-Christian pagan winter celebration of Saturnalia again. On this day (12/19) gifts were exchanged ranging from slaves to pottery—Man, I bet their secret Santa game was strong AF! So, contrary to our beliefs, it seems that when the Christians attempted to remix the Saturnalia mix-tape and convert it to “Christ-mas”, this tradition just stuck.

Kissing under the mistletoe was a pre-Christian, pre-Jesus symbol of healing powers, sexual license, and fertility.

Oh, and please don’t get me started on the big-ass, problematic, Rosacea having, bearded old white man we lie to our children about. There isn’t enough time in the day for me to read you about the Santa Clause problem. But I digress…


3. JESUS WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN UP IN WAL-MART WITH YOUR GREEDY ASS ON BLACK FRIDAY.

 

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Look, I hate to get on a soapbox and toss around scripture, but having spent a large part of my early career working in retail, I have witnessed how Christmas brings out the WORST in people. I just find it funny that Wal-Mart employees get trampled to death by people who are on a mission to buy presents in Jesus’ name, when Jesus ACTUALLY, quite explicitly stated:

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:19-21).

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Oh and He also said, 

“Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions’ (Luke 12:15).

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Listen, in reality, Christmas is a carelessly tossed salad full of pagan & pre-Christian croutons—and that’s okay. The problem arises when we lie to ourselves, and our children, by saying that Jesus is the reason for the season while our practices say otherwise. I think that we should accept Christmas for the cultural hodgepodge that it is and not make a concrete case for why it’s solely about one thing; namely Jesus. ‘Cause we all know that factually, the shit we do in December doesn’t have ANYTHING to with him.

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It’s just like most things in our twisted history, once you dig a little below the surface you’ll discover that nothing is quite as it seems. For me, Christmas is about observing these fun pagan practices, getting drunk with my friends, and being thankful for all of my blessings. In my opinion, if Jesus is truly your homeboy, you should probably celebrate him all year long and not just on December 25th—especially since he would NEVER f*ck with our twisted translation of his birthday. #Fact.

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Posted by:Anthony Black

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