“Do you have any pets that I should know of??”
This was LITERALLY the FIRST question I asked before even considering driving to his house. Anyone who knows me is well aware of my aversion to large animals—big ass dogs in particular.
Well, back in the great year of 2008, a straight friend of mine set me up with a gay friend of his who I just “had to meet”.
Yeah, I know.
The “random gay + random gay =match made in heaven” ploy had been initiated and my thirsty ass fell right in the trap.
Once phone numbers were exchanged via Myspace, we set a time for our first date. On the night we were supposed to meet I called him before heading out:
Me: Do you have any pets that I should know of? I’m not a big animal person.
Him: Well my room mate has a dog but he’s super sweet, I really want you to meet him.
Me: Eh, yeah I don’t think I need to meet him but okay.
As I pulled up to his house decked out in American Eagle Outfitters, I checked myself out in the rearview mirror…Aha, just as I suspected—I looked fly AF.
As I walked up the three steps to his screen door I knocked lightly and waited to meet my blind date for the first time. That’s when I first heard Clifford bark…
I took a step back.
“Oh hell naw!” I thought, but remained calm.
A few seconds later a skinny, blonde guy opened the door while holding back a big ass dog by the collar.
“I want you to meet him!” He said nervously.
At this moment I knew that I had two choices:
1. Follow my black intuition and flee.
2. Do what a curious non-black person would do and agree to meet Kudjoe face to face.
Well being a 21-year old idiot, I chose option 2.
As he cracked the screen door open I bent down to introduce myself when the dog growled and snapped at my face. This was when my blackness did a manual override and I ran. I shot down the steps as the dog pulled away from my date’s hands and began to chase me.
My screaming date ran after the dog as I sprinted across his front yard. Just as I hit the sidewalk I slipped on some loose gravel and flew face first into his car which was parked on the curb.
But do you think that slowed me down???
I immediately pulled myself up the side of the car and climbed up onto the trunk. As I sat on the car, stunned and out of breath I realized that I’d lost sight of the dog.
According to eyewitnesses, when I fell into the car face first, the dog freaked out and kept running past me.
“Oh my god I’m so sorry!! I’m so sorry!!” my date yelled as he walked the excited dog back in the house to put in his crate.
Meanwhile I just sat on the back of his car looking like:
As I climbed off the car my first reaction was to check my face and make sure all my teeth were still there. I walked into the bathroom as my adrenaline rush began to wear off and realized that my knee kinda hurt.
Okay, it REALLY hurt.
I looked in the mirror and saw that my face was intact, besides the black dust from my make-out with his dirty car door. It was then that I looked down and saw that the knee of my brand new American Eagle jeans was ripped!
I was f*cking livid.
Considering the pain I was beginning to feel from my knee, I decided to look through the hole at what I assumed was a bad scrape…
Well, that’s when the night took a turn for the worst.
When I looked down I saw a hemorrhaging gash where my knee cap once was. I also saw hanging skin and realized that blood was beginning to fill my pant leg. I grabbed a towel off his shelf and called him to the door.
“Oh my God are you okay!?” he yelled from the other side of the door.
“Yes, but if I show you something you have to promise not to freak out.” I replied.
“Okay” he said.
When I opened the door and showed him the hole in my knee he burst into tears.
—Yeah, I know.
He helped me hop to his car, which still had my face print in the dirt on the door, and drove me to the nearest emergency room.
One tetanus shot and four stitches later, I was on my way back home from the most eventful first date of my life. Needless to say that things didn’t work out between he and I romantically. He would periodically check up on my knee immediately following the incident until we eventually lost touch.
However, one day, about three years later I ran into him at the local gay bar, only this time he was a drop-dead gorgeous woman.
*drops mic* #PlotTwist
Yes, the boy who’s dog “chased” me down the street is a gorgeous woman with an extremely successful career as a transgender model, performer, pageant queen, & spokesperson. She was even featured in an interview for E! News.
When I saw her tv for the first time I was sitting at home like:
Was there a lesson to be learned from this bloody first encounter?
The answer is yes. When the universe goes to extreme lengths to keep a date from going well; its probably for a much bigger reason than you can imagine; aka your date is transgender and not living in their truth. I’m a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and this date has firmly solidified that theory.